Lifestyle and Leisure
Importance of making new friends
Good social relationships play a key role in a good quality of life, writes Dina Zavrski-Makaric
In fact, a recent study from Flinders University in South Australia shows that meaningful reciprocal relations with friends are more important to our well-being than spending time with our family.
For most of us relocation means that our old social networks have come to an abrupt end, and starting new ones is often filled with anxiety about the unknown. Leaving family and friends behind and coming to an environment where we may not know anyone is a challenging experience. Our deepest feelings of being accepted and safe are gone. Maintaining personal and regular contact with friends back in the UK becomes hard – sometimes impossible – so we have to start building our social networks from zero.
But there is so much else to do! We have to find a home to live in, a job to provide us with an income, a new doctor, a hairdresser, a plumber, school and after school care if we have kids... the list goes on. Fitting in time to socialise is hard! If reading all this is enough to make you depressed, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You made a wonderful decision to relocate and get to know another part of this planet, and it comes with its people too. You had a choice whether to relocate or not, made a decision and invested some effort. Now we have another choice of putting some effort into creating new social networks and making new friends.
As children we are really good at making friends and acquaintances so why does it become so hard when we are adults? Well, there are a couple of reasons. One is that as children we trusted our natural curiosity and wanted to know more about 'that girl or that boy'. The second reason is that as children we were still very pure in how we perceived ourselves and others and our inner critic of self and others wasn't yet developed enough to spoil the fun. Strangely it is adults who would have probably encouraged you to make friends as a child. 'Go and play with such-and-such," the grown up would say, and off you would go, either making friends or, if you didn't like the other child, move on to another one.
Yet as adults we have to read books on how to network, or attend workshops and training courses which teach us skills that we always had in ourselves – curiosity and an open mind. These are the only two skills that you will ever need if you want to meet people and make friends. So for everyone, particularly newcomers – it is back to basics!
We all have a pretty good idea of what is appropriate to ask a person at a social function. Religion, politics and social status are always a 'no' in any culture, unless you become really friendly with someone. Even then it is often best to wait for the other person to start disclosing such information first. I once read somewhere that everyone has at least three things in common with everyone else in the world. How about making that a focus when you next meet someone new? Once you learn what these three things are, start building a conversation around them.
Don't be shy to initiate conversations. A child often starts talking to someone by asking 'What are you doing?' or 'What are you playing with?' These questions are just as good for adults as they are for children, just replace 'playing' with with either 'reading', 'working on', 'watching on TV', etc. It is only natural that in a new environment we will tend to look for support from people of similar backgrounds to our own. Friends from your home country can provide you with a relatively safe environment to talk about your first experiences of Oz, and are a source of information on where to go and how to do things. What you must be aware of, however, is that whilst your geographical background is similar, everything else could be quite different. Good social connections assume similarities in how we live our life and ways we do things. Be aware of the possible differences you will have with people from Britain and you will save yourself some disappointments.
You should also be wary of Brits who may pass to you their negative judgments toward the society that you are just entering. Their negative perception can cloud your experiences and drag us into hours of 'bitching' about the new environment, and idealising the 'old country'. You will know that you have fallen into this trap when you start judging everything and everyone in your new environment as 'bad', and everything and everyone you left behind as 'better'. As soon as you catch yourself, snap out of it and perform a reality check. Not everything and everyone was great back home, just as not everything and everyone is bad in your new surroundings. So stay alert and look for people who have positive attitudes.
Another thing to be aware of is choosing where you are going to live. Living close to other Brits in a popular expat haven will certainly give you a sense of safety. However, if being with people from the UK all the time is what you want why did you emigrate in the first place? You could have stayed in the familiar surrounding of home without going through the hassles of the relocation. For someone as adventurous and open to opportunities as a newcomer, challenge yourself a little bit further and find a suburb to live in because you like the looks of it, rather than its people. Eventually, you will develop a new support group consisting of members of the host society, and rely less on support from fellow 'foreigners'.
There are many expatriate groups that provide a good platform for building social networks. Some are based around geographic background while there are also the multicultural ones like the Newcomers Network. Other places to go and meet people could be based around any interests or hobbies you have. Having a similar interest or a hobby is a much stronger friendship builder than being born in the same country and speaking the same language.
Local councils usually keep brochures with information on various interest groups. Remember that social networks are meant to be fun and spontaneous. If you approach people in a fun and spontaneous way, with curiosity and an open mind then they will respond the same. Those who don't are going to miss out on meeting someone new and interesting – you!
Dina Zavrski-Makaric is a personal coach, mentor and facilitator, offering cultural orientation and coaching programmes for expatriates. She is also a host of the 'Welcome to Sydney' social events.
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