Visas & Advice Detail
Breaking it to relatives
The stresses and strains of emigration can be magnified if you don’t have the support of your family. Hanna Lindon explains how to get them on side.
Telling your relatives that you're considering upping sticks and moving to the other side of the world is never going to be easy. Especially in the case of close family – parents, brothers, sisters and children – the reaction is likely to be mixed. On the one hand, your loved ones will no doubt be pleased that you're making a positive move with your life and doing something which you believe is going to bring you happiness. On the other hand, the fact that you're moving such a long way off is likely to be a big wrench.
"How your relatives are predisposed to react to your news will depend on a number of factors," says psychologist Jillian Libovich. "These include how dependent they are on you, how often you see one another and how close your relationship is. Clearly, if you're telling your elderly mother who has no other relatives and lives next door, that you're emigrating, then it's going to be more of an issue than telling a sister who has her own family and lives the other side of the country." Granted the news is going to be harder to break to some people than others, but the way in which you tell your relatives can also have a big influence on their reaction.
How not to do it
It's very easy to put off doing something unpleasant until you absolutely have to, which is why you hear so many stories of emigrants who didn't tell their relatives they were emigrating until the week before they were due to leave. Some people also like to have obtained their visa before they break the news, but, as Libovich says, this may not be the best way to do it. "Presenting your decision to emigrate as a cut-and-dried matter in which your relative has had no say is unlikely to lead to a positive reaction," she advises. "Put yourself in their position – if somebody you loved, having given you no indication that they were thinking of emigrating, suddenly announced their move to New Zealand, how would you feel? The answer is likely to be excluded, overlooked and betrayed." Instead, Libovich suggests being open about the whole process. "Close relationships feed on trust and inclusion," she says. "Share your thought processes with your close relatives and keep them updated on your progress. That way they will feel part of your decision to emigrate."
Cerys Mead is an example of somebody who took the opposite approach to the one advised by Libovich. She couldn't face telling her elderly parents that she was emigrating, and only broke the news one month before she left the country in 2005. "It nearly ruined our relationship," she says ruefully. "They were devastated, because we had lived so close and always seen so much of one another while I lived in the UK. They also felt that I had hidden things from them, and that it had been a breach of trust. It was horrible moving to NZ without the support of my parents."
The inclusive approach
So, how can you avoid getting into Cerys's situation? The three key words, according to Libovich, are inclusion, positives and reassurance. Firstly, inclusion. Your decision to emigrate is one that your relatives may feel excludes them. Some may even feel that you are choosing a move to another country over them. To dispel feelings like these, it's important to include your family in your decision. "Asking your relatives for advice will show them that you still value their help and support," says Libovich. "However, be careful about the issues you ask for advice on. It's best to stick to secondary issues, like when to sell your house and how to tell other friends or relatives, rather than asking whether you should emigrate."
The second important point is to emphasise the positives of emigrating. Instead of dwelling on how you will see one another less, concentrate on the plus-points of living in NZ, the opportunities that you'll have there, and the holidays that they can take with you. Be careful, however, not to be unrealistic. Pretending that you'll be back in the UK every few months will only lead to long-term disappointment." Finally, have patience. As Libovich points out, your relatives are likely to go through an adjustment period where they will need regular reassurance. If some of their objections or questions seem ridiculous to you, try to bear with it, and think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
Amy Doyle, a Brit in the final stages of the emigration process, admits that telling her parents and sister was the hardest part of the process. "At first, my parents seemed to take it as a personal insult that I was moving away," she says. "They never actually said it, but the implication was 'if you loved us enough, you wouldn't go'. "Luckily, my sister was really supportive, and between us we managed to convince them that emigrating was the best thing for me. It was an uphill slope, though!"
After arrival
If you don't want all the hard work you put into your close relationships before emigrating to go to waste, then make sure you keep up your efforts after arrival. "The most important thing is to keep your promises," says Libovich. "If you told your parents that you were going to phone them twice every week, then try not to let them down. Remember also that they will be looking to you to confirm that your relationship is still as strong. Maintaining a high level of contact over this initial period may therefore be advisable." Asking your relatives to visit you at an early date may also ease the transition for both parties. And you never know – once they see what they're missing in NZ, you may find that they even decide to join you!
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