Lifestyle and Leisure
How to drive in America
Henry Griggs provides his very own personal account of how to drive in America with his tongue very firmly in his cheek!
Choose the largest vehicle you can. Because petrol is so cheap here, no matter how large your vehicle is, it still won't cost much to run. A large vehicle will allow you to see the traffic. No-one drives normal size cars here. Everyone is driving large vehicles. If you drive a normal size car, the sort found in the rest of the world, you will be unable to see anything other than the tops of the wheels of the other vehicles. This is clearly dangerous. Your only recourse is to drive a huge vehicle yourself. The bigger the better, because then you can peer over the tops of the other vehicles and be alert for danger.
Acceleration is the key to good driving. You must always be accelerating. In other parts of the world, drivers are encouraged to settle at a speed they are comfortable with and stick to it. This reduces consumption of petrol. As petrol is so cheap in America, this is not a consideration. It has been discovered in America that travelling at a steady speed is dangerous because it contributes to boredom, and falling asleep at the wheel. You must always be accelerating. If you are not accelerating, the rest of the traffic will be moving away from you. You will fall behind, causing personal anguish, and confusing the traffic behind you that is catching up. This is a dangerous situation. Constant acceleration will let you stay with the pack.
No matter what the weather, no matter what the speed, you must stay about two feet behind the car in front of you. As they will be constantly accelerating, it is up to you to be constantly accelerating in order to stick with them. Occasionally, you will find a driver that you cannot trust. This is not a situation that can be tolerated. Watch for drivers who are not to be trusted. These are those dangerous fools who travel below the speed limit, who hesitate for a fraction of a second before changing lanes or merging lanes or coming onto a freeway, who stupidly won't cross unbroken lines, who stop at stop signs. These drivers need to be made aware how dangerous they are. You must punish them.
Do not use your indicators to change lanes. It is a sign of weakness, a warning that you not confident or skilled enough to simply move into the next lane. Indicators are usually used by driver's who are not travelling with the pack and are unable to simply move into a gap. If you use your indicators, you will be seen as a dangerous driver and other drivers will PUNISH you. They will punish you by immediately moving up to block your passage.
Do not use your indicators when turning corners. It is unnecessary as no-one needs to know if you are turning or not.
Braking is a last resort. You will rarely need to brake, except to punish some fool. Although you will be travelling at high speed, within two feet of other vehicles, and all accelerating constantly, it is rare to need to brake. Braking is also inadvisable because it gives the driver behind you an indication that you are slowing. It is far better to let the car slow without any indication. You can tell how good the driver's are behind you, by seeing them simply switch lanes and continue accelerating away from you. Admire their skill. Foolish drivers will brake and this will set off a chain reaction behind them. Grind them beneath your boot.
Occasionally, the weather will turn nasty. Rain is easy to handle. You should immediately speed up so as to get your destination faster.
Despite the fact that cars are powered by a product derived from petroleum which is usually abbreviated to petrol, Americans prefer to call the product gas, even though it is clearly a liquid.
